BEER TROUBLESHOOTING CHART

SYMPTOM

FAULT

ACTION

Feet cold and wet.

Glass being held at incorrect angle.

Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

Feet warm and wet.

Improper bladder control.

Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

Beer unusually pale and tasteless.

Glass empty.

Get someone to buy you another beer.

Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.

You have fallen over backward.

Have yourself leashed to bar.

Mouth contains cigarette butts.

You have fallen forward.

See above.

Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.

Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.

Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

Floor blurred.

You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

Get someone to buy you another beer.

Floor moving.

You are being carried out.

Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

Room seems unusually dark.

Bar has closed.

Confirm home address with bartender.

Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.

Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.

Cover mouth.

Everyone looks up to you and smiles.

You are dancing on the table.

Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

Beer is crystal-clear.

It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.

Punch him.

Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.

You have been in a fight.

Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.

You've wandered into the wrong party.

See if they have free beer.

Your singing sounds distorted.

The beer is too weak.

Have more beer until your voice improves.

Don't remember the words to the song.

Beer is just right.

Play air guitar.

 

 

 

Follow these 10 simple rules, and we might not call you an asshole.

1. Keg-owners: Keep the keg on ice. Nobody wants warm beer. Beer-drinkers: If you aren’t paying for the beer, don’t bitch about it being warm.

2. Don't forget cups. A keg without cups is like a party with no girls. Which brings me to the next rule…

3. Don’t forget to invite the girls. A keg party with no girls is like a keg with no cups (see rule 2).

4. If this is your first time approaching a keg, don't try to act like you know what you're doing. You'll just end up looking like an ass.

5. After the approach, shut the hell up and pour. This isn’t the damn water cooler at your work. Conversation while pouring is NOT encouraged, focus and concentration is. Everyone hates the drunk asshole who holds up the line.

6. DO NOT OVER PUMP THE KEG. Too many people over pump, and the keg ends up giving more head than your sister.

7. If you feel the need to peer pressure a friend by yelling “KEG STAND!” and pointing to him, be prepared to do one also.

8. Be careful when performing multiple pours. It is a nice gesture, but it may not be awkward if the next person in line is not your friend.

9. However guys… ALWAYS, ALWAYS pour for ladies. Admit it guys, the ladies are the only reason you came to the party. Admit it ladies, free beer that is poured for you is the only
reason you came to the party.

10. Girls, if you are trying to impress a guy, you can’t go wrong with doing a keg stand… or taking your shirt off.